Limerence and Maladaptive Daydreaming: Similarities and Differences

As we’ve talked about innumerable times, there is no singular definition of maladaptive daydreaming – unless we make the definition so general as to lose all specificity – and this is one of the reasons that despite the rise in awareness of maladaptive daydreaming as a real, tangible issue that impacts millions of people across cultures and countries the term still hasn’t entered the medical lexicon (i.e., the DSM-5).

The lack of agreed upon definition for what maladaptive daydreaming is, and what types of distinct maladaptive daydreams exist, has led to a number of related, but distinct, phenomena being treated as forms of “true” maladaptive daydreaming.

One of these related, but distinct, phenomena is limerence: the obsession over a singular individual that often involves some level of romantic affection which, to put it charitably, is out of rationale proportion. In other words, an idealization of someone (often real, sometimes fictional) that ignores all flaws and sees them as you wish them to be, not as they are – there’s no room for improvement, no compromise needed. As they exist, they are perfect for you and you alone – and if the other person just knew you as you are, they would feel the same way.

While there are obvious similarities between limerence and maladaptive daydreaming (i.e., both involve daydreams), there are significant differences or distinctions (as we’ll discuss) that inform the best strategies you can engage in to stop them (since both are, by definition, destructive fantasies when taken to extremes).

The Differences Between Limerence and Maladaptive Daydreaming

First, as we’ve talked about before, at root maladaptive daydreaming – whether recognized or not – is a form of distraction from the real world. Indeed, it’s often used as a deliberate form of distraction that one utilizes, almost like a tool in a tool chest, to avoid conformation with the thornier elements of life.

However, it’s not always the case that maladaptive daydreams will be delusional – sometimes they can involve simply a level of rumination on the way life could’ve been, or could be, that is not in and of itself maladaptive except for the fact that it’s engaged in for significant periods of time that ends up negatively impacting one’s real life (this latter aspect is what makes the daydreams maladaptive – not necessarily the content themselves).

Limerence too can be a form of distraction – but it’s not always one that significantly interferes with one’s real life to the same extent as true maladaptive daydreams (in other words, limerence is less of a true crux or coping tool than traditional maladaptive daydreams are).

For example, not all of those that engage in limerence report that their fantasies interfere with their day-to-day life (i.e., distract from responsibilities through the day). Instead, limerence is more a form of true delusion in which one imagines a situation – often involving just one person and often with a romantic tinge – as they wish it to be even though they know, deep down, it will never be (i.e., there’s nothing constructive about the fantasy as it’s not based in what could ever become an actuality).

This might all seem like a distinction without a difference, but when one is assessing if one is engaged in true maladaptive daydreams or limerence one first needs to ask if what they’re engaged in is more a form of distraction or delusion (even though both “true” maladaptive daydreams and limerence can involve elements of both).

Second, maladaptive daydreams tend to revolve around oneself as the “main character” whether that character is a close approximation of oneself or an idealized version of oneself. Whereas with limerence more of the focus tends to be on the individual that’s the subject of one’s affection.

An alternative way to frame this is that if we’re trying to draw a distinction between maladaptive daydreams and limerence the former will involve more focus on yourself and contouring yourself to be what you perceive to be an idealized version, whereas the latter will involve more focus on the other and contouring them into your perceived idealized version of themselves.

Third, limerence almost always involves infatuation with someone that one either knows personally or some kind of notable public figure. It’s rare that limerence will involve a completely fictionalized person that then becomes the subject of one’s obsession.

Whereas in maladaptive daydreams it’s more common for some of the “characters” involved to be completely fictional and even for the entire pretext of the daydream to be made up (i.e., involving fictional locations, fictional storylines, etc.).

Fourth, it’s not uncommon for maladaptive daydreamers to have a number of different scripts that they divert to throughout the day – almost as if they have a number of movies in progress, all of which involve different people and storylines, and shift from one to another depending on the real-life situation they’re in (i.e., there may be a distinct daydream that’s reverted to when comfort is being sought because one begins to feel stress).

However, for those engaged in limerence it tends to be that there is only one individual that is the subject of one’s thoughts (of course, over time it might be the case that one “moves on” to a new individual after a few months – but it’s rarer to read reports of someone that has a roster of individuals they’re affectionate toward in their daydreams for understandable enough reasons).

Strategies for Stopping Limerence

To begin, it must be underlined that daydreams – in and of themselves – are not bad. Indeed, they’re an effective, adaptive way to imagine different alternative realities and think through future scenarios before they arise in real-life.

Daydreams, by my estimation, become maladaptive only when they begin to actively interfere or interrupt one’s real life or otherwise prevent progress – in other words, when they begin to crowd out the act of living in order to perpetuate an idealized dream state.

The same holds true with limerence: in and of itself, there’s no reason not to imagine what one’s idealized future partner would be like, or even to imagine what life would be like with a certain romantic partner. The issue arises when this begins to either take up a disproportionate amount of one’s time (and thus begins to interfere with one’s real life) or when one sets up someone on such a pedestal that they can only ever disappoint in real life.

Indeed, in the extreme limerence can lead, ironically, to failing to ever have meaningful romantic relationships, or even platonic relationships, because one is always left irritated and disillusioned that humans are, well, fallible and will never live up to the kind of idealized versions that one can carefully craft in one’s own mind.

In my book on maladaptive daydreaming – which many that engage in limerence have picked up since there are some obvious similarities – most of the strategies that I walk through will be helpful, but not all will be applicable. (If you're struggling to understand if what you're experiencing could be true maladaptive daydreams, feel free to take the maladaptive daydreaming test.)

With that said, below is a brief overview of a few strategies that are worth some consideration when you’ve made the decision to stop engaging in daydreams (which can only happen, as I describe in the book, after one has decided that it’s truly worthwhile to stop)...

First, and perhaps most obvious, is to try to build in moments of mindfulness when one notices themselves slipping into limerence. As with maladaptive daydreams, often it’s impossible to notice the exact moment one begins to engage in them – instead, one perhaps only realizes they’re engaged in a maladaptive daydream after a few minutes (or even longer).

Therefore, it’s important to not be critical of oneself for engaging in limerence. Instead, one needs to be compassionate and empathetic and resolve that when one notices that they’ve slipped into a daydream to then engage in one minute of still mindfulness (in which one tries to clear their head of all thoughts and, upon completion of the minute, return to whatever was being done before the daydream was slipped into).

What this does, at a more subconscious level, is “ruin” the daydream because one doesn’t have the satisfaction of seeing it through to completion. Instead, one short-circuits the daydream and thus over time engaging in daydreams becomes less and less appealing since the “reward” is never actually realized.

While there are countless books, videos, and courses on mindfulness – and no doubt some of them are excellent – it’s important to not try to create some regimented regime that one feels they must follow. All that you need to do is take out your phone, set the timer to one minute, and then close your eyes, try to not think about anything, and wait for the timer to signal that a minute has elapsed. No intricate system required.

Second, another strategy that works well for limerence is to leverage your imagination to help solve your problem through taking a few moments to image all the ways in which your affection, and obsession, could be misleading.

For example, imagine scenarios in which the idealized attributes you thought existed were not there in actuality – or imagine how those idealized attributes could, in certain situations, perhaps not be as idyllic as you imagined.

In other words, use your imagination to interrogate your preconceived notions about what has led to your affection to begin with – because through this you’ll begin to see that perhaps no one, even the most idealized version of someone you can imagine, is actually idyllic since, of course, you yourself don’t know what an idealized version of someone should really look like (in other words, you can only imagine what attributes you think would best suit you, not what ones would really best suit you).

Third, another strategy that’s equally applicable to all forms of daydreams is to take out a piece of paper, try to quantity the amount of time spent daydreaming, and then ask yourself what else you could have used that time, in your real life, to have accomplished.

This doesn’t mean that the alternative things you could have accomplished need to be productive (i.e., learning a new language). They could also be things like catching up on movies, reading a novel, or going for a walk. The important thing to ask yourself is whether or not there are any things you could have used the time you spent engaged in a daydream on that would’ve enriched your life in some way – of course, the answer will always be “yes” but like a lot of conventional wisdom sometimes this doesn’t quite dawn on you until you’ve really taken a cold, hard look at how you’ve spent your time.

Conclusion

While some treat limerence as a type of maladaptive daydream, that runs rough shod over the important distinctions that exist and, in the end, will make it harder to stop engaging in it.

Given this, it’s important to first attempt to disentangle if one’s engaged in true limerence or not. As with stopping true maladaptive daydreams, one shouldn’t limit oneself to one solution – instead, it’s far better (and more engaging) to take a multi-pronged approach in which a series of different solutions are tried out and then iterated over until meaningful progress is found.

For example, attempt a simple “mindfulness break” whenever you realize that you’re in the midst of limerence and then each night write down a few paragraphs that describe if it seems to have helped, if you’ve had trouble concentrating through the mindfulness break, etc.

When you’re attempting to stop a bad habit – and if one’s daydreams are maladaptive, by definition they represent a bad habit – then it can be immensely frustrating and demoralizing to not see immediate success.

But, as always, one needs to be patient and empathetic with oneself and recognize that even if one has “failed” in some capacity, the alternative was to have not tried at all and that would represent a far bigger failure. Every step forward, even if it didn’t cover as much ground as one would’ve hoped, should be treated as a victory – because that’s exactly what it is.